Windows

You may have noticed by now that I'm someone who likes to ponder. Sometimes they are worth sharing and sometimes they aren't. Recently I did some pondering in a conversation that I thought I might share here.

I'm not sure I'm ever going to understand why people worry about hurting my feelings or ruining a friendship with me. Do I seem like the type of person to blow up on people or harbor a grudge? My family knows that I have a temper but I would guess that they also know that if I am given a minute to think, I will cool off and apologize. As much time as I spend reflecting on life, being angry with someone is the worst feeling and always leads to the reminder that I am just as often guilty of causing that hurt in others. If I can't forgive others, I can't forgive myself (and can't hold out hope that they will forgive me) and if I can't forgive myself, I can't like who I am which is a really dark path that I've been down before and don't ever want to go down again. I recognize that this is a bit of a selfish rationalization but suspect that on some level we all have to be selfish and think this is probably a pretty healthy form of selfishness.

At the same time, people really do baffle me sometimes. They leave me wondering if how I act gives them the wrong impression about who I am and if maybe I am lying to the world, or myself for that matter, about who I am. I wonder how much of my inner dialogue and convictions really come out in people's interpretations of my actions. It isn't something I can ignore because I am convinced that who we are as people is shaped by both us and our environment. I am me but I think there is some real truth to the fact that who "me" is, is influenced by who you believe "me" is to some extent. I guess what I'm saying is that when things in the communication loop that is my communications with others don't match up, I begin to wonder if I'm bending the mirror that I view myself through.

...and that my friends, was window into my mind.